*** TRIGGER WARNING ***
Despite being in a safer, more peaceful environment, I am still plagued by suicidal ideation. I know only too well that this is little more than a temporary respite, before I have to face the outside world and other people again. It’s only a matter of time before my dysphoria, depression, PTSD and anxiety get the better of me.
I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope, blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back. I could fall at any time and the worst part is that I won’t even see it coming. Even in a safe place, I still cannot envisage any kind of future for myself. I feel like I’m living on borrowed time, as I should be dead already considering what I’ve been through and the multiple genetic ‘curses’ that I have been forced to live with. This is borrowed time because I’ve been hiding for so long, far longer than I would have expected to be able to exist this way without becoming homeless and destitute.
Even on one of my good days (which are few and far between), if someone were to offer me a quick, painless and surefire way out, I’d take it….100%, no question, no doubt. There is nothing in this particular life that is realistically achievable that I want or care for. I will never even feel comfortable in my own skin, never mind be able to like or love myself.
When you’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts for years and they don’t go away even on non-bad days, you know that suicide wouldn’t be an act of impulsiveness or a result of poor judgment. It wouldn’t be a solution to what many people call a ‘temporary problem’, as in my case, the problem is lifelong and clearly isn’t going to go away. Many of us have tried all methods of ‘help’ available, including therapy, medication, suicide hotlines, maintaining a good diet and exercise and trying over and over again to con ourselves into believing that it will get better.
I fail to see how in my case, it would be an act of selfishness, when I’d actually be relieving society of the burden of having to support me because I can no longer support myself. Besides, we all die in the end, whether it’s a result of old age, illness, being killed or killing ourselves. Finding a dead body is traumatic for anyone, whether it’s a suicide victim or someone who died of old age, undiscovered for days or weeks because nobody gave a fuck about them while they were still alive. Death is the only inevitability in life, yet most of us cannot face it. We like to think that we matter and that life is sacred, but the world will go on as normal after we’re gone and human beings will go on destroying the earth and each other until mother nature finally decides to ‘correct’ the problem. People don’t want to accept that suicide is a rational choice for some of us, because it forces such people to question their own mortality.
So just because you see some ‘positive’ posts from me, please do not think that I’m somehow choosing life or that anything long-term has changed since last week, last month, last year or the last 15 years. This is nothing more than a respite period, more borrowed time.